First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
