Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
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not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
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Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.