he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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