why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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