u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
