i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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