so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
