You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
