(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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