Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No subtext here. People are naked.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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