If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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