Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
