Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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