I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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