i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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