Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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