so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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