fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
