I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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