this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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