At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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