halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
