It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
