I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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