i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
