If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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