I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
