Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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