i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
