Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
