I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
