so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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