Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
