Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I stole a fireplace last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When are your genitals available?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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