dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
