my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Randomize
