we have pet lesbian snakes
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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