Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
