last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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