I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
