You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
