4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
