her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
