my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
