why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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