i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
