Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
