He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
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it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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