Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
