They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I need moral support for this bender
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
