watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
