Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
