I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
