Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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