The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you traded sex for a burrito?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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