let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
