You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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