I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
