he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
operation have a gay friend backfired
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
