So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm both gender and math confused
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
