is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
